Being Mum

"Mum"

Three of the most influential and emotive letters in my life thus far.  

For me those three letters represent struggle; pain; misunderstanding; confusion; loss; rejection; and the most overwhelming love I have ever known.

For me the word "mum" has two strands; two paths that have crossed for many years.  That of my phenomenally complicated relationship with my mother and that of my pursuit to become a mummy.  In some ways, for many years, the two were so intertwined that it was difficult to see where one started and the other stopped.  I walked both paths simultaneously for many years.  The word was the most evocative and emotional word that existed for me; within me. Becoming a mum has helped peel away the layers of these emotions and has led me to a peace that I didn't know I could have.

My mum is no longer a part of my life.  That has been her choice mostly, I think, although now I am reconciled with the fact that she will never again be a part of my life.  People make choices for many reasons; often out of what they fear to lose the most.  I have found peace with that.  I won't go into the why's and wherefore's here.  They are no longer relevant.  Since becoming a mum I know that I could never make the choice that my mum made but I understand why she has made the choices that she has and why they mean that we can no longer be a part of each other's lives, although we will always be a part of each other. 

For me, becoming a mum was a journey that took 15 years of my life.  It stripped me away to the core and literally ripped my insides out.  Becoming a mum was something I knew I had to do as part of my journey in this life.  I knew that to heal my child within that I had to be a mum myself.  I was right and it was worth every single second of pain that I experienced.  Katie fills my life and has helped me heal my heart.  The giving of myself to this person is like the marriage vows I made 18 years ago, "til death do us part".  I made those vows to my husband and they are vows that I have held close to me since that day.  My relationship with my daughter is the same.  Adopting Katie was not a decision I made lightly.  It is for the rest of my life.  She may not have been born from me but she has definitely been born within me.  My love for her runs through my veins and is a part of me.  I cannot imagine that ever not being there now.   It is something that I would fight to the ends of this earth for.

Whatever life may bring my way, Katie I am your mum.  I promise I will always be your mum; your mother and your mummy.  Whenever you need me.  No matter what.

xxx