Could 3 become 4?

Yet again it's been a while since I last added anything to this blog.  Life is just too busy to actually sit down and write.  It's been a real life changing experience becoming a parent and I've experienced depths and highs of emotions that I didn't even know were possible beforehand.  Who knew that childeren could bring such joy yet drive you to the depths of frustration and show you the very best and worst of yourself?

As I write, Katie is currently walking around with our new Maine Coon kitten, Leo in her arms. He is now 6 months old, getting enormous, and puts up with so much hassle from the little monkey. 

Katie is nearly 4 now and has a year of pre-school under her belt.  She has changed so much from the little toddler who joined us a year and a half ago.  Facially she has matured so much and now looks like a little girl.  You can see the teenager she will become much more clearly.  I wonder if she'll stay blonde?  It looks that way at the moment but time will tell.  She is now 102cms tall with a size 9 foot and is growing almost as fast as the kitten.  Her short hair is now shoulder length and gorgeously blonde.  She loves wearing her hair in a "twizzle", which is a little plait on the side of her hair to keep her long fringe out of her eyes.  She grows more beautiful by the day.  She has, as we say, the "nuts of a monkey" and loves finding ways to get into trouble and push the boundaries as far as she can take them.  Heaven help us when she is a teenager, that's all I can say!  Her vocabulary is amazing and her sentence structures are really developing well.  I think she will excel at English and possibly even languages.  We have taught her her numbers and she is counting money now.  We are working on her ABC's so she can start to read.  She is showing a natural aptitude towards gymnastics and is keen to start dancing lessons soon.  She is learning to swim and was recently awarded her 5 meters badge.  I am amazed daily at her potential.

I am still a "SAHM" (stay at home mummy).  It's taken a lot of adjusting to, if I'm honest.  I'm used to earning a wage and using my brain in a very different way than I do now.  I feel that my brain is turning to mush so am trying to keep things moving by re-joining a tap dancing class; mo-jiving; and going back to my Reiki group.   I still find it hard to share my husband's wage and hate asking for money so I think I will start looking towards how I rectify that.  I am looking towards starting offering my healing services to the wider community but want to focus more on offering healing to animals.  I am looking for suitable training courses to develop my skills more in this area.  I have been baking more and developing my gluten-free baking skills.  As Katie gets a bit older and I am able to have a bit more "me" time I will develop this more and play more with baking foods.  Having said that, Mike and I have been talking about adding to our family...........

For those who know me well, you will know that I was always going to be a parent to one.  No more than that!  I felt anxious enough about being a good parent to one (and still worry about this on the difficult days!).  I grew up in family where my mother didn't cope well with being a parent to two children and was constantly told that having two children ruins your life but one child is ok.  I've realised recently how much I'd taken this fear on as part of my identity and that it didn't belong to me in the first place.  We have also started to look beyond our lifetime and wonder about the future for Katie and what she might need during her lifetime.  She spent the first 2 years of her life in a family with a minimum of 6 foster children and lots of grandchildren around and she is always looking for company.  We have been thinking about the impact being adopted may have on her emotionally and whether a sibling might be of benefit to her when we are no longer here to look after her.  We asked Katie if she would like to have a brother or sister.  She was very keen, although initially reluctant to start with that she might have to share her mummy with another child.  She gave the matter some thought (which she often does) and then came back to me and said "Ok mummy, I can share you with my sister".   We have tried to explain that it will take a long time to happen and she made me laugh when she said in reply "Like when daddy said he would buy my swing and slide?".  Bless her, daddy promised her this item last summer and it has just been put up a year later.  I replied "yes darling, exactly like the swings and slide!".  We feel it is better now to wait until she has started school to introduce another member to the family but will be guided by our social workers views on this.  I would hate to do anything to harm Katie, even with good intentions.  She has settled so well with us and I would hate to undermine that in any way.  I have spoken to our social worker and am waiting for the forms to arrive to start the process.  When Mike and I discussed this a few weeks ago I said to him that I was surprised that I wasn't kicking him out of the house for even suggesting the possibility of a sibling but I have felt a shift in myself over the past month or so and feel that this is something that I can, not only, do but am even feel a tingling of excitement about.  Maybe I have morphed into a normal mum now and this is a natural progression?  I still find it hard to believe that I am now a normal mum, doing normal mum and daughter things.  I have slowly shed the identity of an infertile woman and have slowly changed into a mother.  I looked at myself in the mirror the other day and thought to myself that I feel more mature now.  Is that purely tiredness talking (oh to have a lie-in!!) or has becoming a mother changed me so much?  I have an introspective personality, and will admit that I have struggled with the concept of being a "good enough" parent.  That is a difficult concept for me to accept.  Slowly though I am learning to forgive myself for my mistakes and vow to do better every night.  I am even learning not to sweat the small stuff (hence the fact that Katie has been walking around with the kitten slung over her shoulder) and try to focus on the bigger picture. 

So again I will start to add to my blog as well as starting to ask the question.....Will 3 become 4?